Pretty Far Fetched

He reached home and as expected she wasn’t there. He called her cell phone, she answered, “Where are you honey?” he asked, “Just sitting in front of the TV in the living room, not much on today, might go off to bed soon, I’m a little tired”, his jaw tightened at the blatant lie, but he remained composed kept up the small talk and hung up after a little while, there was no turning back now, weeks of planning had led up to this day, he took out the check list he had prepared and went to work. First came the email to his lawyer, he then switched on a very unique piece of software that was actually a back door into another computer a few miles away, and sent off another email, this time to a very different email address, one he knew would set of alarms in the FBI’s Carnivore system. His job done, he removed all trace of the backdoor, logged off his laptop and headed off to the garage.

He picked up the duffle bag he had kept hidden in the freezer which itself was hidden behind the cardboard boxes he had so carefully arranged almost a month back, and backed out of the driveway, its then that he remembered the checklist in the living room, cursing his own stupidity he stopped the car, ran out retrieved the check list and prepared to drive away, it was close to 3 in the morning.

9am: She backed into the driveway, at 32 she was still a very attractive blonde and managed to turn quiet a few heads. She walked towards the front door, “Mrs Mcmahon” a voice behind her called out, turning around she saw a very striking Denzel Washington clone holding up a police badge, “I’m Detective Murphy, and this is Special Agent Carlyle from the FBI, would it be ok if we could speak to you for a few minutes?”. Its then that she noticed the second man, tall thin and with wire frame glasses, he looked more like an accountant than an FBI agent. “Of course detective, please do come in, I hope nothing is wrong”

They entered the living room, it reflected the style of a woman well in control of her life, everything in its place… except the laptop sitting very conspicuously on the coffee table, she recognized it as her husband’s , which was strange, he was supposed to be in Philadelphia attending one of those government conferences.

The Detective Murphy noticed the laptop as well but said nothing, he was going to play this exactly by the book, he had a knack of spotting potential shit storms and this had the makings of hurricane. “Mrs Mcmahon could you let us know about your Husband’s whereabouts?” , “Please call me Janice, and yes, he is attending a conference his agency The Department of Defense is holding in Philadelphia”, Murphy said nothing but made a note in his writing pad, “Ok and when was the last time you spoke to him” he continued, this had a noticeable effect on her “ What do you mean the last time? Has something happened? Why are you asking me these kinds of questions?” , Murphy flipped close his notepad and said “Please answer the question Mrs Mcmahon” she did not need to, but Murphy had been interrogating hard boiled criminals for the better part of his career ,she had no chance.

“I spoke to him last night” , “Very good” he made another note “Did you speak to him in person?” , “No!” she screamed, “Like I said, he is in Philadelphia”. Murphy looked straight at her, he wanted to read her reaction and said “Mrs Mcmahon , your husband boarded a flight yesterday afternoon from Philadelphia and reached back home some time last night, we have a sworn statement from the taxi driver who dropped him off from the airport, apparently your husband was a generous tipper, could you tell me what exactly you spoke about” the shock on her face was noticeable, her usually tan features were considerably pale now “Nothing we spoke about nothing, I told him I was visiting a friend, we spoke about his trip and then he hung up” . Murphy raised an eyebrow , made another note and continued “Could you give us the name of this Friend so we can corroborate your story” , the panic in her eyes was quiet noticeable now.

“No I won’t say another word till you tell me what this is all about” she was on the verge of hysterics, it was now Special Agent Carlyle’s turn to speak “Sometime early this morning 911 received a call from a female jogger calling from a payphone at Winslow park, she reported finding a car parked in the middle of a picnic area with the seats soaked in blood, the car was traced back and is confirmed to belong to your husband”, the only thing retrieved from the car was your husband’s DoD issued laptop which was missing its hard disk, which is the reason I am here, this is potentially a Federal crime, now please answer Detective Murphy’s question, who was it that you were visiting?” he neglected to mention the bullet hole in the backseat and the blood smear leading from the car to a rotted tree stump from which was retrieved another bullet, a .50, the revelation seemed to have broken all pretense of composure from her face and she cried bitterly.

Detective Murphy reached for and wrapped his arm around her, it was definitely nnot by the book, but he never was able to watch women cry, Agent Carlyle remained unmoved. It fell to Murphy to play good cop “Mrs Mcmahon, please understand we need to work through all possibilities, anything you tell us can help clear up this whole issue very very soon, please give us a name” , she looked at him with tears welling in her eyes and said “Nathan Rivers, I was at Nathan’s house he is a colleague of my husband. “ Neither man said a word at the revelation, Murphy continued “Could you please give us an address and a number we could contact Mr Rivers at” , she told them the information and they made to leave, she closed the door behind them and collapsed to the floor sobbing desperately.

“You are one cold motha” Murphy said to Carlyle, “Well the Bureau does not pay me to be a boy scout Murphy, you want compassion and understanding you go watch Dr. Phil, anyway the address she gave us ties up with the originating address of the email the carnivore system tracked, it was sent from Nathan River’s house, I guess we go get a warrant and search Mr River’s house and office now” , Murphy was only half listening , he seemed to be staring at something on the rear bumper of Janice Mcmahon’s car , “Better add a warrant for the car cause that looks like blood to me and one for the house, I would dearly love to get a look at the laptop in the living room”

Things moved fast, search warrants were issued and executed at the Mcmahon residence as well as at Nathan rivers house and office, retrived from Nathan’s car was one hard disk of the type that fit into a DoD laptop, also retrived from the car was a single human hair , light brown, the same color as the now presumed dead Mr Edgar Mcmahon personnel file at the DoD confirmed he had.

The DNA from the spot of blood on Janice Mcmahon’s car was an exact match to that on file for Edgar, as was the blood retrieved from the back seat of the car at the rest of the Winslow park crime scene.

Later that day at the offices of the Daily Mirror’s crime desk the phone rang, Martin Knowles answered the phone and switched on the recorder, the voice at the other end was gruff and uncultured and frequently slurred “Is this where I get money for reporting crime tips?” , Martin sighed, ever since the new editor had put in place a reward system for concerned citizens to report tips in exchange for monetary gain, he had been inundated with nothing but the mundane parking violations and imaginary terrorist cells conspiracy nuts, he gave this latest caller the usual speil of ‘If the tip results in an arrest the reward is $500, $1000 for a conviction on a felony , we give you a code number that you need to present at the cashier’s desk of the Daily mirror and claim the reward’.

The caller seemed hesitant, “I need the money now, slim Joe ain’t someone to be kept waiting on promises of future payment” , probably some homeless guy who owes drug money thought Martin, he waited for him to continue, “Well anyway, is better than nothin, I was standing by the south pier of Winslow drive and noticed this guy drive up in a real fancy car, license plate WEX952J, I asked him for some change but he said a rude word to me, my momma woulda smacked upside the head if she heard me…” Martin interrupted him, he did not need this, 4 years of college and 10 years of the beat patrol writing up headlines should not lead to this, “Please only give me the relevant details” the caller seemed put off, but continued “Well anyway he dropped a gun, a shovel and bag of lime off the pier, it should be real easy to find ,he did not toss it far” Martin gave the man his code word and sent off a report to the police desk and contemplated how much he hated his job.

The District Attorney was confident of a conviction, the divers had retrrived a Desert Eagle .50 off the pier the license plate Belonged to Nathan Rivers BMW and the shovel had his finger prints all over it. Nathan and Janice were arrested, and put into neighboring cells, they were also interviewed separately.

Janice  Mcmahon’s Interview :

Detective Murphy seemed confident he could break her, his last meeting convinced him that she was no master mind. “Well Mrs Mcmahon, I think you need to do a lot of explaining, for the record, you have been offered to have an attourney present  but have declined, I strongly urge you to get yourself an attorney” He was not going to risk blowing this over a Miranda violation, she looked at him and said “I told you I called our lawyer and he said he could not represent me since it could be a possible conflict of interest” , “Well yes Mrs Mcmahon we did speak to Mr Brown your husband’s estate lawyer and he informed me of the fact that your husband was moving for divorce and that he was looking to protect his assets, here is an email he sent the night he arrived from Philadelphia, she looked at it and read it

‘Larry, she lied to me again, I’m home right now and the bitch lied to me saying that she was watching TV, I have the transponder active and it is parked in front of Nathan River’s house, I’m going to go over there now and confront them, please move ahead with the divorce papers’

There was no reaction from Janice Mcmahon, the past 72 hours had been a nightmare for her, she just nodded her head, after the police had come to arrest her, she asked her mother to withdraw the savings from her joint account and hire a lawyer, but the call she received a few hours later only confused her , her cheque had been rejected at the bank, the account had been closed and all the funds withdrawn a week ago, it made sense now, Edgar was probably preparing the groundwork for the divorce.

Murphy waited for a reply, when none was forthcoming he continued, “these are photographs of the crime scene” it looked like a close up of  red mural, but was in fact the back seat of her husband’s car soaked in blood. “This is the scene leading from the car to a tree stump a few feet away” The blood drag marks were all to visible “In total our pathology experts estimate a total of 2.3 quarts of blood, all a match to your husband’s DNA, he is now presumed dead” still no reaction “Listen Mrs Mcmahon, we know you were cheating on your Husband with Nathan Rivers, your husband worked at the DoD and he seemed to have used that position to requisition a tracking beacon which he installed on your car and which transmitted a GPS triangulated signal of your car’s location to the laptop we retrieved from your living room, do you deny your affair with Nathan rivers?” ,the reply was almost inaudible “No I do not deny it”

“Good, moving on. The DoD requires all employees at or higher than the position your husband had, to have a similar transponder installed on their DoD laptops at all times, the one we recovered from your husband’s car was one such, the logs clearly show it in front of Nathan River’s house at 4am and then at Winslow park at 5.30 am, it stopped sometime after that presumably because the hard disk was removed. Do you agree that Mr Mcmahon came to Nathan Rivers house and confronted the 2 of you ?” the reply was quick “No I haven’t seen my husband since he left for the conference, you have to believe me”

Murphy said nothing but ran through the evidence with her, the blood stain on her rear fender, the incriminating evidence at the crime scene and the email to the lawyer but she did not budge from her story.

Nathan River’s interrogation:

Nathan Rivers did not fare any better at the hands of Agent Carlyle, the only extra bit of information he recived was that a email was tracked from his computer to a very suspect email address in the middle east informing them that “The package was secure”, Nathan Rivers admitted to the affair with Mrs Mcmahon but denied sending any email or murdering Edgar Mcmahon.

The trail ended swiftly, the prosecution brought out witneses that confirmed that the bullets retrived from the crime scene were a match to the gun retrived from the pier , the pathology experts confirmed that the blood was a match for Edgar Mcmahon and that it was reasonable to say that for a person of his built it was not possible to survive so much blood loss, forensic computer experts confirmed that the hard disk retrieved from Nathan Rivers car was the one taken from Edgar Mcmahon’s laptop and that it contained classified information of a very critical nature. All this combined with the hair retrieved from Nathan’s car and the blood from Janice’s car was enough to convince the jury of their guilt. They were sentenced to life in prison, Nathan additionally stood trial for treason and was found guilty, he served his double life sentence in solitary at Levenworth.

In a small Midwestern town:

Johnny Valance closed the paper, he had finished reading about the “Mcmahon- Rivers” verdict and went back to the book he was writing, Billy Bob walked up to him and gave him a friendly slap on the back, Johnny had only just moved into town, but was already well liked, when the town’s young ladies saw that the dashing writer gentleman was unattached they were lining up at his door soon enough, but Johnny kept mostly to himself.

“So watcha writing” billy bob asked, Johnny just smiled and considered, he decided he could tell billy bob, he liked the man “It’s a revenge murder mystery, this man finds out his wife is cheating on him”, “So he kills her?” billy bob asked, “Not really, he kills himself”, Billy bob seemed confused “How in the hell is that revenge?”, Johnny explained “well he plans it over weeks, he draws his own blood and stores it in a frezzer with a small amount of anti coagulant, he then drives over to her lovers house while they are in there and plants blood and hair sample in their cars, after that he drives over to another location, splashes the blood he has collected all over to make it look like a murder and fires a gun into the seat, I’m thinking he uses a plastic sheet weighted down to simulate drag marks on the ground, he drops the weapon and a shovel he got from the lover’s house into the river and calls in a tip a few days later about their location, they go to prison and he starts a new life”

Billy Bob said nothing for a few minutes, the silence was deafening, … “You writers surely think up some fancy stories, take my advice though, it’s a pretty far fetched story, no one is going to believe it”. Johnny just smiled and said “Yeah you are probably right, it could never happen in real life”

November 4, 2009 at 10:42 pm 2 comments

Its all in the family

Every once in a while I fancy myself to be a writer,and these are the tragic consequnces that follow:

The cleaver fell from my hands, I couldn’t believe what had just happened, he was dead, Jackie Jr. , the man who always said he would  see me beg for my life was dead. It wasn’t always like this though Little Jackie as we used to call him used to be a pretty nice guy to hang out with, we used to practically do the town every night, that was until ofcourse I became a made guy in the North Jersey Mob.

They say my ascension up the ranks was fast, too fast for some people ,and evidently little Jackie was one of them, the day I was made captain of my own crew after Phil Luciano ate it in a run in with the cops  was the day I should have realized that Jackie and I were finished.

Pretty soon there were rumors flying around that I was running my own operation out of the Jersey east end , running my own show and not kicking up the loot to the capo Carmine “Butcher” Salvatore. Don’t get me wrong, I was doing exactly that, I mean here I was literally busting my chops making money and Carmine wanted me to just hand it over to him, well that’s not how Nicky Blundetto rolls. But the fact that the word got out so fast meant that I had a rat in my crew, which was not surprising ,after all this ain’t the Costa Nostra of the 60s where Omerta actually meant something, these days made guys ratted out other made guys faster than that fat pig Carmine Salvatore could eat risotto, what was surprising though was when I found out that Little Jackie was the one ratting me out.

I should have whacked him them, I realized later, but in that moment I remembered all the times we had together, he was like a little brother to me, Little Jackie Junior , what I should have realized then was that this sibling rivalry had got dangerous.I let him go, I kicked him off  my crew, but I let him live, thats when the trouble really started.The months that followed saw Little Jackie getting more belligerent and provocative in attacking what was mine, assests on both sides were being torched almost on a daily basis, it was clear to everyone that the flashpoint was inevitable

And so it happened that my crew was being faced down by Carmine’s entire North Jersey army, and leading that army was Big Jackie , Jackie Junior’s father, little Jackie had got promoted to second in command, my former position.I realized pretty soon that if I went the traditional route of squaring my crew of seventeen against the entire North Jersey mob of 30 full time soldiers and 50 associates I would not only lose, but most like before any other shot was fired I’d find myself being whacked by someone from my own crew.

Which is why I got friends of ours to send over a couple of cousins from Sicily, I got them strapped with a couple of Tec 9 sub machine guns and a pistol each and send them on a visit to Carmine and Big Jackie’s houses. The plan was to take out the entire top tier of the North Jersey mob before they were ready and in the confusion that ensured either make peace with what was left or take them out too.

All in all the whole thing went off pretty well, 7 pairs of gunmen did their hits almost simultaneously all over Jersey. Carmine, Big Jackie and 5 captains were sent on a permanent vacation, the last pair however did not do so well, Little Jackie managed to escape , some waiter at Vinny’s restaurant Napoli being the only casualty of that encounter.

The culling of the flock did have one good side effect though, I was the only leader besides Little Jackie left standing and pretty soon like happens with all sources of Power everyone coalesced either on my team or his.

I was now just one hit away from being undisputed Boss, but that’s when I got a visit from the commissioner, he looked the other way most times in return for paid vacations in the Bahamas but my Blood Bath in little Italy (which is what the press was calling it) had drawn a lot of attention, I was told that if I did not make peace with Little Jackie and stop the killing, the Feds would get involved and that would be bad for everyone’s business.

So I swallowed my ambition and Jackie his pride and Jersey was now ruled by two families, there was no way however that this dichotomy would last and so turf wars were constantly being fought, on a smaller scale no doubt, but it was an openly public secret now that there were just some parts of town where certain people were just not welcome.

Every war zone needs a Switzerland however and we had ours Napoli having the dual advantage of being exactly on the border of the 2 families territories and also having the best Schiacciata and Tortelli in town was the obvious choice for most sit downs and moderation of disputes.

Jackie Junior and I were supposed to have a sit down to talk about the new Federal zoning project and how best to share the profits, but it soon degenerated from there, things were said guns were drawn and in the ensuing mêlée Little Jackie the brother I always wanted ended up with a meat cleaver to the head.

I got out of Napoli as fast as I could dropping the cleaver down a sewer and driving straight home, the lights were off, which meant my wife Adriana was not yet home, good, I could get washed and changed without explaining the blood on my clothes.

An hour later as I was sitting on the couch sipping a cognac I heard the front door close, “Is that you Adriana? I’ve already eaten so don’t bother about me,just go to bed”, she did not answer, I guess she heard about the incident at Napoli , TV no doubt would have covered it by now, I guess I should explain, I turned around … “Honey..” the words never left my mouth and I never heard the shot of the bullet that came down the barrel of the Magnum pointed at me.

July 2, 2009 at 2:52 am 1 comment

Death Of a Pirate?

First off let me clarify that this post is going to be a lot more serious than my usual ramblings, It concerns the (In) Famous Pirate bay trial :

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/8003799.stm

The gist of which is that a Swedish Court has held that The pirate bay by listing torrent files on its servers has violated copyright law. Here are my reasons why the Honourable Justices had their heads up their asses:

  • The pirate Bay does not host any copyrighted material on its servers
  • What it does host are trackers that point to files
  • esssentially it functions as a search engine (much like google) enabling the downloading of files

It was the opinion of the court that merely enabling the download of copyrighted material also violated copyright law, lets extend this logical into the non electronic realm.

  1. I buy a lamp from kmart
  2. I use the lamp to kill someone
  3. Kmart sold the lamp to me thereby enabling the murder
  4. Kmart is guilty of murder

OR

  1.  I buy a car from BMW
  2. In an accident i kill someone
  3. BMW sold me the car hence they are liable for all damages

In fact why is youtube not being sued for violating copyrights? (perhaps Recording execs are fearful of being bombarded by mails containing the words “LOL ur a fag” ) what about google, I’m sure if i type in “download movies free” i should get atleast a million hits ( I checked, its 33,000,000) why not sue them? 

To me, the reason this kind of a verdict is arrived at is because the people in power are a bunch of old farts who don’t seem to understand the rules in a digital world, not paying for copyrighted material is illegal, but like i mentioned in the start of this post, Pirate Bay did not violate copyright material because of  the fundamental reason “They did not violate Swedish law”, in conclusion :It is the opinion of this blogger that the International Federation of the Phonographic Industry (IFPI) can suck my balls

EDIT: As the bongo has pointed out in the comments, yes TPB has appealed this decision and the court case seems like it would drag out for a few more years, but the fact remains the decision by the courts was a classic case of head up one’s ass, which is what i chose to write about

April 21, 2009 at 2:48 am 1 comment

Transporter 2: A Random Summary

Cut to Parking lot, Jason Statham sits in his bitchin Audi and puts on his driving gloves like a man with a purpose.
Oh How I do love the feel of leather against my skin  mummy

 Just then he is accosted by a pair of breasts, unmoved by the heaving peaks Jason Statham refuses to leave the car, a team of NBA rejects then ejects him from the car forcibly and thereafter proceed to get their ass handed to them.

This Gives me the strength to Drive to work each day

 Cut to the Audi dramatically stopping in front of a building at the stroke of 3 in the afternoon, is it a bank heist? Is it a kidnapping? NO! nothing so mundane for our transporter! A school bell rings and children come pouring out of the building, almost as if they were standing behind the doors waiting for their cue. Jason picks up his precocious little charge and proceeds to play riddles with him.

 They pull up in front of a mansion where the only password needed to enter is a meaningful nod between Jason and Random Guards 1 and 2, precocious boy’s parents are fighting, Jason being a modern man in touch with his feelings does not stop the car in front of the fighting parents but totally checks out the precocious boy’s MILF.

The movie proceeds to show that precocious boy’s father Matthew Modine is a stereotypical douche;

Mathew: Well I’m an asshole, MILF get in the house and make me a sandwich, and completely macho guy driving the Audi who does not have the hots for my repressed but still independent wife ,except when she needs to be ravaged by you to help her cope with life,even though she apparently managed to raise our son single handedly without you or any other man just fine … guy, stop eyeballing me and get lost…Grrr Grrr.

Cut to later that night when MILF visits Jason, he raises a flag pole in his trousers but remembers that he is the modern man who would not take advantage of a woman and sends her back to her empty home and asshole husband.

Jason takes precocious boy to the doctor and makes a promise to him “I won’t let anyone hurt you”, its at this point that the audience realize that either the doctor is a pedophile or bad guys are going to make an appearance.

Bad guys attack the doctors office, Jason hands them a beating and Kate Nauta loses her clothes At this point Director Louis Leterrier (of the non emo Hulk Fame) decides to blow up the doctors office, Jason escapes with precocious boy and semi Naked Kate follows, a bomb is placed on the Audi but not detonated, Just when Jason is about to get precocious boy to safety Stereotypical bad guy of ambivalent ethnicity Alessandro Gassman calls in his Deus Ex Machina sniper and forces Jason to let Kate into his car, she points her breasts at his face and her guns at his crotch. Jason takes this as his cue to flee the premises in the car.

 

Boy and Kate are driven around the city by Jason who successfully evades a 5 star wanted level , he delivers boy to Alessandro who leaves after countering Jason’s Hard Macho staring with some debonair Gigolo smiling, Jason then Turkey slaps Newton and his laws of Physics by flying his car across a crane to detach the bomb before it explodes.

Gigolo smiles or

Gigolo smiles or Hard Stares , who could possibly win?

By this time the FBI/US Marshalls/Random Government Agengy arrive but prove incompetent, Jason takes this as his next cue to blow up stuff. Things blow up, a killer virus is introduced and more nudity ensues , Jason learns that the virus is airbourne and will infect anyone who breathes air in the vicinity of a victim, the boy is retuned, he falls ill and the most incompetent doctor on the planet diagnoses him as completely fine, boy proceeds to infect his parents but not the FBI agents guarding him.

Jason arrives with the vaccine, boy is saved but the mother is now ill, yet this in no way seems to affect Jason whose pure testosterone shield of invincibility  proceeds to bend the virus over a barrel and pound it senseless. Matthew Modine being an arrogant douche however does not have this protection and immediately falls sick infecting VIPs gathered to see him, Alessandro seeing his plan is complete, injects himself with the remaining vaccine , smiles some more and leaves to catch a plane, at this point someone asks director Louis Leterrier “If Alessandro is so well equipped that he had a deadly airbourne virus wouldn’t it have been much easier to infect some random security guard rather than Mathew Modine (supposedly a high profile government something) ? Louis counters this by screaming “MORE CAR CHASES, MORE EXPLOSIONS!!”

A car chases a plane and wins, Jason kills 2 pilots and proceeds to crash the plane carrying Alessandro.MILF, douche and boy are saved and the credits start to roll before the audience can question “What about all the VIPs and FBI people who are infected?”

Meanwhile François Berléand  decides to give up his career as a chef and goes back to France saying “Oui I’m too old for this shit no?”

If He can cook...

If He can cook...

March 16, 2009 at 1:50 am 7 comments

No Offence

Mails i received:

It goes down like this:

——————————————————————————–

From: Sumit
Sent: Wednesday, 4 March, 2009 8:13:38 PM
Subject:  [Fwd: RE: PJ Quiz]
Subject: Re: [Fwd: RE: PJ Quiz]

Some PJ

From: Strider
Date: Wed Mar 04 2009 15:51:41 GMT+0530 (IST)
no offence… but i think that was one of the g@yest fwds i seen… i mean do u really fwd such shit to ur friends???

From: Sumit
Sent: Wednesday, 4 March, 2009 4:27:04 AM
Subject: [Fwd: RE: PJ Quiz]
only to my g@y friends… did you not get it?

————————————————————————————–

And although i think that final remark was the absolute best I’ve seen to the g@y accusation (gaycusation) what really gets me is when people say “No offense,but…” I mean you know anything that follows those words is going to be offensive, its like saying “I hope you don’t bleed, but I’m going to stab you now”. If you don’t mean to be offensive you would not have said “No Offense”, the very fact that the words “No offense” are used shows that the speaker knows that what he says is offensive.

So my answer to the next person that says “No Offense” :

“No offense bitch,but I’m gonna stab you now”

March 5, 2009 at 3:04 am 2 comments

Thank You VH1 and Beyonce Knowles

Yes, people used to seeing me list out reasons I hate things, this time i am actually going to give thanks for something, If it weren’t for VH1 and Beyonce I would be without a job and possibly performing unseemly sex acts for food.

You see I am not a morning person, I have 2 cups of fairly strong coffee but still somehow don’t seem to shake of my morning grogginess, to help me combat this drowsiness I’ve got into the habit of switching on a music channel and watching videos interspersed with presenters clearly suffering from a sugar high.This expectedly presents a problem when videos of  really beautiful girls come on, Rihanna dancing with her umbrella

Pink making out with herself when sober

all these visuals serve one purpose… getting me late for work.

But then like manna from the Gods VH1 bestowed upon me the song “Single ladies (Put a ring on it) ” by Beyonce, a song so monotonous and ear jarring in its repetitiveness that it would make Rainman sound like a member of the Kennedy Family (or make rainman sound like one of the Bacchan Men if you are Indian). Listening to this song is the aural equivalent of having a horse with syphilis shove his dong in your ears and not stop thrusting till all will to live was gone out of you.

            equation

Initially that is how this song made me feel,that was stage 1,stage 2 was uncontrollable rage at listening to this song 3 times in a one hour time slot from 7.30 to 8.30 in the morning,and finally at the end of the week it was acceptance that VH1 are so well scheduled that the moment i see this song the first time I know I must do 2 things:
1. Mute the TV
2. Brush my teeth

The second time i see this video i know Its time for me to switch of the telly and leave for work, so you see VH1,if it wasn’t for how boringly regular you were and Beyonce how shittingly,bowel churningly  irritating your song was I would have spent all morning watching music videos and eventually my boss would have found a new way to cut cost at the workplace … ( by cutting out my salary).So a big thank you to you both, you have made me appreciate time spent away from TV.

March 2, 2009 at 3:52 am 1 comment

Slumdogs indeed

As i write this, Slumdog millionaire has already won 8 Oscars in various categories at the Oscars. As expected a lot of people (various media houses and my friends who send out mass emails) are losing their collective shit over this “acheivement”

What I have come to realise is that Slumdog millionaire is actually a metaphor not just for this movie but also for apparently the people who seem to get emotional over something as stupid as movie awards.Inspite of the fact that India has progressed so much in the last 2 decades since liberalisation people seem to have not been liberated from the mindset of “Its good only if the white man says its good”, why do we need affirmation from the west about what constitutes a great movie? does the granting of a golden miniature truly separate the merely good from the truly great?

Come on people we have a lot to be proud and happy about,India is a great country and bolloywood is already pretty big business,Bollywood already churns out more movies a year than hollywoood does, do we really need a badge telling us that ‘yes Indians you do make reasonably intelligent fare for people to watch.’

But maybe I’ve got it all wrong,maybe this is just the final step of getting our White fixation out of our system before we finally act like adults with self confidence and move to take our place as a mature and significant world player,I hope I’m wrong ,but sadly I fear I am not.

February 23, 2009 at 12:58 pm Leave a comment

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