Transporter 2: A Random Summary

March 16, 2009 at 1:50 am 7 comments

Cut to Parking lot, Jason Statham sits in his bitchin Audi and puts on his driving gloves like a man with a purpose.
Oh How I do love the feel of leather against my skin  mummy

 Just then he is accosted by a pair of breasts, unmoved by the heaving peaks Jason Statham refuses to leave the car, a team of NBA rejects then ejects him from the car forcibly and thereafter proceed to get their ass handed to them.

This Gives me the strength to Drive to work each day

 Cut to the Audi dramatically stopping in front of a building at the stroke of 3 in the afternoon, is it a bank heist? Is it a kidnapping? NO! nothing so mundane for our transporter! A school bell rings and children come pouring out of the building, almost as if they were standing behind the doors waiting for their cue. Jason picks up his precocious little charge and proceeds to play riddles with him.

 They pull up in front of a mansion where the only password needed to enter is a meaningful nod between Jason and Random Guards 1 and 2, precocious boy’s parents are fighting, Jason being a modern man in touch with his feelings does not stop the car in front of the fighting parents but totally checks out the precocious boy’s MILF.

The movie proceeds to show that precocious boy’s father Matthew Modine is a stereotypical douche;

Mathew: Well I’m an asshole, MILF get in the house and make me a sandwich, and completely macho guy driving the Audi who does not have the hots for my repressed but still independent wife ,except when she needs to be ravaged by you to help her cope with life,even though she apparently managed to raise our son single handedly without you or any other man just fine … guy, stop eyeballing me and get lost…Grrr Grrr.

Cut to later that night when MILF visits Jason, he raises a flag pole in his trousers but remembers that he is the modern man who would not take advantage of a woman and sends her back to her empty home and asshole husband.

Jason takes precocious boy to the doctor and makes a promise to him “I won’t let anyone hurt you”, its at this point that the audience realize that either the doctor is a pedophile or bad guys are going to make an appearance.

Bad guys attack the doctors office, Jason hands them a beating and Kate Nauta loses her clothes At this point Director Louis Leterrier (of the non emo Hulk Fame) decides to blow up the doctors office, Jason escapes with precocious boy and semi Naked Kate follows, a bomb is placed on the Audi but not detonated, Just when Jason is about to get precocious boy to safety Stereotypical bad guy of ambivalent ethnicity Alessandro Gassman calls in his Deus Ex Machina sniper and forces Jason to let Kate into his car, she points her breasts at his face and her guns at his crotch. Jason takes this as his cue to flee the premises in the car.

 

Boy and Kate are driven around the city by Jason who successfully evades a 5 star wanted level , he delivers boy to Alessandro who leaves after countering Jason’s Hard Macho staring with some debonair Gigolo smiling, Jason then Turkey slaps Newton and his laws of Physics by flying his car across a crane to detach the bomb before it explodes.

Gigolo smiles or

Gigolo smiles or Hard Stares , who could possibly win?

By this time the FBI/US Marshalls/Random Government Agengy arrive but prove incompetent, Jason takes this as his next cue to blow up stuff. Things blow up, a killer virus is introduced and more nudity ensues , Jason learns that the virus is airbourne and will infect anyone who breathes air in the vicinity of a victim, the boy is retuned, he falls ill and the most incompetent doctor on the planet diagnoses him as completely fine, boy proceeds to infect his parents but not the FBI agents guarding him.

Jason arrives with the vaccine, boy is saved but the mother is now ill, yet this in no way seems to affect Jason whose pure testosterone shield of invincibility  proceeds to bend the virus over a barrel and pound it senseless. Matthew Modine being an arrogant douche however does not have this protection and immediately falls sick infecting VIPs gathered to see him, Alessandro seeing his plan is complete, injects himself with the remaining vaccine , smiles some more and leaves to catch a plane, at this point someone asks director Louis Leterrier “If Alessandro is so well equipped that he had a deadly airbourne virus wouldn’t it have been much easier to infect some random security guard rather than Mathew Modine (supposedly a high profile government something) ? Louis counters this by screaming “MORE CAR CHASES, MORE EXPLOSIONS!!”

A car chases a plane and wins, Jason kills 2 pilots and proceeds to crash the plane carrying Alessandro.MILF, douche and boy are saved and the credits start to roll before the audience can question “What about all the VIPs and FBI people who are infected?”

Meanwhile François Berléand  decides to give up his career as a chef and goes back to France saying “Oui I’m too old for this shit no?”

If He can cook...

If He can cook...

Entry filed under: Movie Reviews. Tags: , , , , , .

No Offence Death Of a Pirate?

7 Comments Add your own

  • 1. crock_talkk  |  March 20, 2009 at 3:32 pm

    pretty good, somehow reminds me of the times u used to call Rashid Irani a Gay son of a bitch (and a lot worse), sayin u could write better reviews for movies when asleep.

    And… Am i the only one left commenting on this site?

    Reply
  • 2. irwingd  |  March 21, 2009 at 1:02 am

    could be cause Transporter 2 is a pretty old movie so does not show up too much on google search terms, but i watched the movie so decided to write abt it

    Reply
  • 3. Beingbongo  |  April 11, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    The bitching just increases in transporter 3.Sprinkle in a frckled face whorish drug popper in his audi and the bitching climbs to a whole new level.

    The dawg has a new bark this time… Crank 2

    Reply
  • 4. crock_talkk  |  April 23, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    this would have made a funnier description for pic 2:

    “Fill ‘er up with petroleum distillate and re-vulcanize my tyres posthaste”

    Reply
  • 5. BeingBongo  |  June 6, 2009 at 10:53 am

    You must review Crank2- if u don’t then i will do it ….. it is special !

    Reply
  • 6. Geoffrey Burridge  |  January 9, 2013 at 9:28 pm

    This is pretty much the best plot summary I have ever heard!!! LMFAO

    Reply
  • 7. irwingd  |  January 19, 2013 at 4:40 am

    Thanks for stopping by Geoffrey, its been years since I even looked at the blog.

    Reply

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